Whats next?

The question is what next? Now a days I am not able to think anything else but just how i love him.. or i want to be loved, hopeless romantic stuff.. the movies i watch, the songs i listen to are of same emotion!!

I've stopped working.. anyways i didn't have any kind of interest in it.
I am reading Twilight books again and again, though i know they have nothing in them.. it just makes me feel good.. that edward loves bella. it has got no logic, no serious literally value no moral values.. but still i read it. just want to get drugged i guess.. i am trying to keep myself in some kind of high all the time. it seems like i've got addiction of negative thoughts.. it just them or him or some hopeless romanticism of my pain of my failures..

i guess i've developed very poor way of coping with things.. which is effective, because i become temporarily numb. when i feel love for him (i don't know what other words to use), it just feels great i actually smile/ laugh.. and then i feel like hugging him and telling him all my secrets and then get my life finished.. and then i have to remind myself that he is engaged. you have to just touch him and he'll throw your hand like a shit.. and then it would be all over.

i can not grasp it till now, that it is all over. but what was it? it was just physical thing.
i always tend to glorify things which actually are source of shame for me. and ridiculously i believe them every time..

but whats next how do i get out of it? it there any way? now i understand what people mean by redemption.. it there any ways of redeeming? is this how my life going to be..

i always compare my life with my friend's life and i can not handle the difference. they are going to be happy, sad but with reality, with love.. i feel like my life is lost cause.. that i should give up everything and just i dont know kill myself.. or come out and shouldn't care about my parent or anything and live like a whore!!

thats what i am, shit shit shit.. u r not even whore.. u r not anything.. u r chakka/ hijda..
you rejected your dharma.. and you have to live through it or die after it..
what can i do?

now i dont even know what decision i've to take.. the problem is there is no question now.. rather i am not looking for question or answer. i am not looking for anything.
i want salvation, i want get rid of myself from me

Karma

There and back again..... almost after 1 year.. lot has changed in on year.. i've taken new car...
i dont know so much has happened in last year and yet i choose this one instance...

because i think this was one thing that i thought i couldn't do at all.. but here i am in foreign country driving my own car...

since april i am trying to be different... i am trying to analyze what went wrong and how..

but first what is wrong... so let me say it.. i am attracted to men.. my own sex ... yes i've written it down in plain black and white.... but it is nothing that i have discovered something new... this thing was me from the very beginning of it but now i am trying to analyze it why why why?
why with me?

i get the answer as because of 'me'... karma nothing else... i've read lot of buddhist thoughts in last year.. and came to conclusion that whatever we are today is because of what we thought...

so me being this way had everything to do with whatever were my thoughts and i accept full responsibility of it .. now why did i think like this? this was my reaction to the things happening around me.. thats how i reacted to situations.. .... why did i react in this ways? why did i imagine myself as girl? but fact is i was boy and now i am man..


i dont remember now when i was not sad and everything was normal.. every thought i thought was clear and i could speak it out loud... because it was truth... i want to blame all of them...
my surroundings, my parents, my relatives.. but blaming them is not going to solve anything.. the thing stays... i think the thing will see end of me.... u do it consciously or out of curiosity or out of innocense or i dont know.. but things u do are going to affect you.. you be victim or u do it by yourself the outcome is not going to change...

i understand that i should be attracted to girls... that i am man and getting attracted to girls is natural thing.. but then how come i am not able to change.... why do i like my rooommate?
how is that possible? how he can like girls and i can not? what is liking? if i dont like girls then what do i feel when i see one? .. i dont have any reaction... i am not developed in that way.. i watch sex scenes.. try to imagine that i am man... but it doesnt go well.. i think i am somewhat changed... whatever i am feeling doing is not natural or rather than being natural.. it not how things are supposed to be... i should feel other way round... this phase actually should have come earlier but i dont know what i was thinking.. i was always fantasizing always dreaming never realising what the reality is... and now also i've left fantasizing but still i dont do anything else i just think of the fact that i am like this... i feel low all the time except for the time when i am around him.. and he is in good mood..

it has everything to do with thought.. that how thoughts built up my neural network.. so programming went terribly wrong.. instead of building these networks against woman they are built up against man,,, and i am trying to get men attracted to me instead women.. and it is vicious circle... when will it stop?

i know that it is gonna stop when i think that it is stopped but my memory is referred and i belive thats what my experiences are and i am nothing without experiences,, which is true for all so u always refer to your memory while u think of anything,. which built up by your thought.. which is ur karma..