There and back again..... almost after 1 year.. lot has changed in on year.. i've taken new car...
i dont know so much has happened in last year and yet i choose this one instance...
because i think this was one thing that i thought i couldn't do at all.. but here i am in foreign country driving my own car...
since april i am trying to be different... i am trying to analyze what went wrong and how..
but first what is wrong... so let me say it.. i am attracted to men.. my own sex ... yes i've written it down in plain black and white.... but it is nothing that i have discovered something new... this thing was me from the very beginning of it but now i am trying to analyze it why why why?
why with me?
i get the answer as because of 'me'... karma nothing else... i've read lot of buddhist thoughts in last year.. and came to conclusion that whatever we are today is because of what we thought...
so me being this way had everything to do with whatever were my thoughts and i accept full responsibility of it .. now why did i think like this? this was my reaction to the things happening around me.. thats how i reacted to situations.. .... why did i react in this ways? why did i imagine myself as girl? but fact is i was boy and now i am man..
i dont remember now when i was not sad and everything was normal.. every thought i thought was clear and i could speak it out loud... because it was truth... i want to blame all of them...
my surroundings, my parents, my relatives.. but blaming them is not going to solve anything.. the thing stays... i think the thing will see end of me.... u do it consciously or out of curiosity or out of innocense or i dont know.. but things u do are going to affect you.. you be victim or u do it by yourself the outcome is not going to change...
i understand that i should be attracted to girls... that i am man and getting attracted to girls is natural thing.. but then how come i am not able to change.... why do i like my rooommate?
how is that possible? how he can like girls and i can not? what is liking? if i dont like girls then what do i feel when i see one? .. i dont have any reaction... i am not developed in that way.. i watch sex scenes.. try to imagine that i am man... but it doesnt go well.. i think i am somewhat changed... whatever i am feeling doing is not natural or rather than being natural.. it not how things are supposed to be... i should feel other way round... this phase actually should have come earlier but i dont know what i was thinking.. i was always fantasizing always dreaming never realising what the reality is... and now also i've left fantasizing but still i dont do anything else i just think of the fact that i am like this... i feel low all the time except for the time when i am around him.. and he is in good mood..
it has everything to do with thought.. that how thoughts built up my neural network.. so programming went terribly wrong.. instead of building these networks against woman they are built up against man,,, and i am trying to get men attracted to me instead women.. and it is vicious circle... when will it stop?
i know that it is gonna stop when i think that it is stopped but my memory is referred and i belive thats what my experiences are and i am nothing without experiences,, which is true for all so u always refer to your memory while u think of anything,. which built up by your thought.. which is ur karma..
