Whats next?

The question is what next? Now a days I am not able to think anything else but just how i love him.. or i want to be loved, hopeless romantic stuff.. the movies i watch, the songs i listen to are of same emotion!!

I've stopped working.. anyways i didn't have any kind of interest in it.
I am reading Twilight books again and again, though i know they have nothing in them.. it just makes me feel good.. that edward loves bella. it has got no logic, no serious literally value no moral values.. but still i read it. just want to get drugged i guess.. i am trying to keep myself in some kind of high all the time. it seems like i've got addiction of negative thoughts.. it just them or him or some hopeless romanticism of my pain of my failures..

i guess i've developed very poor way of coping with things.. which is effective, because i become temporarily numb. when i feel love for him (i don't know what other words to use), it just feels great i actually smile/ laugh.. and then i feel like hugging him and telling him all my secrets and then get my life finished.. and then i have to remind myself that he is engaged. you have to just touch him and he'll throw your hand like a shit.. and then it would be all over.

i can not grasp it till now, that it is all over. but what was it? it was just physical thing.
i always tend to glorify things which actually are source of shame for me. and ridiculously i believe them every time..

but whats next how do i get out of it? it there any way? now i understand what people mean by redemption.. it there any ways of redeeming? is this how my life going to be..

i always compare my life with my friend's life and i can not handle the difference. they are going to be happy, sad but with reality, with love.. i feel like my life is lost cause.. that i should give up everything and just i dont know kill myself.. or come out and shouldn't care about my parent or anything and live like a whore!!

thats what i am, shit shit shit.. u r not even whore.. u r not anything.. u r chakka/ hijda..
you rejected your dharma.. and you have to live through it or die after it..
what can i do?

now i dont even know what decision i've to take.. the problem is there is no question now.. rather i am not looking for question or answer. i am not looking for anything.
i want salvation, i want get rid of myself from me