jenvha majha astitava majha maran magta

tevvha majhya ashrut tu mala virghalavat ka nahis?

ka mazya dubalya ashrunna mazyach dublya dolyanch dharan detos?

majhech dole, majhech ashru, majhech gaal..

sagla manya aahe mala

pan sagla manya karun prashna sutat nahit..

pan aata tulatari mazya vednancha skashidaar banannyashivay dusra paryay aahe ka?

Field of gold

प्रसंगानंतर प्रसंग आठवत आहेत ... त्याचा गंध अजुन इतके दिवस झाले तरी आठवत राहतो त्याचा माझ्याशेजारी असणा किती सुन्दर होता ते ... तो सूर्यास्त सगळा अंधारून आला होता त्या दिवशी ... खोलीत पण अंधुक उजेड होता आणि फक्त त्याचा असणा जाणवत होता मला बाकी काहीच नाही ... त्याचा उबदार स्पर्श... आम्ही दोघेही कितीतरी वेळ शांतच होतो ॥ तो तर बहुतेक झोपला पण होता पण मी जागा होतो त्याचा अस्तित्व मला झोप येउन देण शक्यच नव्हता त्याच्या मानेपाशी वर खाली होणारी शीर, त्याचा श्वास आणि त्याचा गंध बाकी कशाचच अस्तित्व उरला नव्हता
नंतर कधीतरी तो जागा झाला आणि काही वेळानी मी बाहेर बघितला balcony च्या काचेच्या दारामधून त्या संध्याकाळी अचानक ढग बाजूला झाले होते आणि एक वेगालाच सुवर्ण प्रकाश समोरच्या उंच झाडांच्या माथ्यावर पडला होता ... ते काले ढग , त्यांच्या पुढ्यात ती उंच झाडा आणि त्यांच्या वरचा तो कोवला सोनेरी प्रकाश आणि त्याचा अस्तित्व आणि मी... it was field of gold for me...

Identity

I've come to conclusion that to live a normal live or to function normally as human in this society you should establish an Identity. If your self identity (how do you perceive yourself) matches with what you are then you might be unhappy, but you have a reason to live.

But if your self identity does not match with the facts then you become more and more useless to live.

For a human being it is very important rather it is essential to identify yourself as male or female. If a person is able to successfully resolve this identity then life becomes livable.

I failed miserably to resolve this identity, rather i developed opposite identity. It looks very weird when i think of it or while i am writing down, but I've identified myself as female.

Maybe it was easy path to choose, maybe other men choose difficult path. I don't clearly see where i messed up. My friends, brothers turned out to be normal, then where did I go wrong?
I used to play with girls, i was close to my mother and grandmother, but so were my friends. When did I loose touch of reality?

Why it was difficult for me to play cricket? why i was afraid of it? Now when i think of it, i never really tried. I never played cricket in first place, I played but didn't enjoy it. I was afraid of boys. But i don't know why. What was the reason? What am I missing?

There are lots of questions. How did it happen? Why did it happen? Is there any solution to it?
What shall I do now?

And since I've lost all my hopes, after loosing my character as in i feel like everything i do is wrong and it has got wrong basis I am not sure whether there is any way out.

Whats next?

The question is what next? Now a days I am not able to think anything else but just how i love him.. or i want to be loved, hopeless romantic stuff.. the movies i watch, the songs i listen to are of same emotion!!

I've stopped working.. anyways i didn't have any kind of interest in it.
I am reading Twilight books again and again, though i know they have nothing in them.. it just makes me feel good.. that edward loves bella. it has got no logic, no serious literally value no moral values.. but still i read it. just want to get drugged i guess.. i am trying to keep myself in some kind of high all the time. it seems like i've got addiction of negative thoughts.. it just them or him or some hopeless romanticism of my pain of my failures..

i guess i've developed very poor way of coping with things.. which is effective, because i become temporarily numb. when i feel love for him (i don't know what other words to use), it just feels great i actually smile/ laugh.. and then i feel like hugging him and telling him all my secrets and then get my life finished.. and then i have to remind myself that he is engaged. you have to just touch him and he'll throw your hand like a shit.. and then it would be all over.

i can not grasp it till now, that it is all over. but what was it? it was just physical thing.
i always tend to glorify things which actually are source of shame for me. and ridiculously i believe them every time..

but whats next how do i get out of it? it there any way? now i understand what people mean by redemption.. it there any ways of redeeming? is this how my life going to be..

i always compare my life with my friend's life and i can not handle the difference. they are going to be happy, sad but with reality, with love.. i feel like my life is lost cause.. that i should give up everything and just i dont know kill myself.. or come out and shouldn't care about my parent or anything and live like a whore!!

thats what i am, shit shit shit.. u r not even whore.. u r not anything.. u r chakka/ hijda..
you rejected your dharma.. and you have to live through it or die after it..
what can i do?

now i dont even know what decision i've to take.. the problem is there is no question now.. rather i am not looking for question or answer. i am not looking for anything.
i want salvation, i want get rid of myself from me

Karma

There and back again..... almost after 1 year.. lot has changed in on year.. i've taken new car...
i dont know so much has happened in last year and yet i choose this one instance...

because i think this was one thing that i thought i couldn't do at all.. but here i am in foreign country driving my own car...

since april i am trying to be different... i am trying to analyze what went wrong and how..

but first what is wrong... so let me say it.. i am attracted to men.. my own sex ... yes i've written it down in plain black and white.... but it is nothing that i have discovered something new... this thing was me from the very beginning of it but now i am trying to analyze it why why why?
why with me?

i get the answer as because of 'me'... karma nothing else... i've read lot of buddhist thoughts in last year.. and came to conclusion that whatever we are today is because of what we thought...

so me being this way had everything to do with whatever were my thoughts and i accept full responsibility of it .. now why did i think like this? this was my reaction to the things happening around me.. thats how i reacted to situations.. .... why did i react in this ways? why did i imagine myself as girl? but fact is i was boy and now i am man..


i dont remember now when i was not sad and everything was normal.. every thought i thought was clear and i could speak it out loud... because it was truth... i want to blame all of them...
my surroundings, my parents, my relatives.. but blaming them is not going to solve anything.. the thing stays... i think the thing will see end of me.... u do it consciously or out of curiosity or out of innocense or i dont know.. but things u do are going to affect you.. you be victim or u do it by yourself the outcome is not going to change...

i understand that i should be attracted to girls... that i am man and getting attracted to girls is natural thing.. but then how come i am not able to change.... why do i like my rooommate?
how is that possible? how he can like girls and i can not? what is liking? if i dont like girls then what do i feel when i see one? .. i dont have any reaction... i am not developed in that way.. i watch sex scenes.. try to imagine that i am man... but it doesnt go well.. i think i am somewhat changed... whatever i am feeling doing is not natural or rather than being natural.. it not how things are supposed to be... i should feel other way round... this phase actually should have come earlier but i dont know what i was thinking.. i was always fantasizing always dreaming never realising what the reality is... and now also i've left fantasizing but still i dont do anything else i just think of the fact that i am like this... i feel low all the time except for the time when i am around him.. and he is in good mood..

it has everything to do with thought.. that how thoughts built up my neural network.. so programming went terribly wrong.. instead of building these networks against woman they are built up against man,,, and i am trying to get men attracted to me instead women.. and it is vicious circle... when will it stop?

i know that it is gonna stop when i think that it is stopped but my memory is referred and i belive thats what my experiences are and i am nothing without experiences,, which is true for all so u always refer to your memory while u think of anything,. which built up by your thought.. which is ur karma..

You and I

What happens when you know that you are an exception. That your life is going to be different than others how hard you try. You try to act normal, you try to be very common, typical like everybody else. But it is not for you.
What happens when you know that there are no good things for you in the future, that you have to live your life with others questioning you, crying over you, cursing you. Questioning your being there, how would it feel? Your each action in the past would be analyzed, your every breath will be scrutinized, that each movement of your breast will be frowned upon.
What happens when you know that all of these people whom you call your relatives, friends.. family are going to be hating, questioning and for sure far away from you. That no one is going to be around you.
That you are going to be alone, remembering past, thinking what if it has not gone so weird? What if you were normal, that your every action was basically a truth that you are what you are and not a lie. That each of your thought was your true thought and had no shadow over it. That even when you lie you were being true to yourself. That every decision you took was true, that you were faking. That every breath you took was of freedom, freedom of your identity, such that even when you are not known to other people, they know you: what you are, how do you feel, that they accept about what you feel, that you are not undefined.
What it feels like when first thought comes to you when you wake up is that ohh it is still there, you are not right. That you are not going to be right forever and you can not help it. You think that the killers, criminals all of them when they commit any crime, they are there, their identity is there. They've experience what is life, that they have future and they don't expect void.
What happens when you can not even term yourself as I and you term it as you?

रंगत चढलेली पाने
मग ढलू लागतात
आणि डवार्लेल्या झाडांची
हाडे दिसू लागतात

दिसतात मग
ओस घरटी पक्षांची
आणि वसंतातिल पोली मधसरली

प्रत्येक सकाल आता अंधारी होतिए
आणि सुटलेल्या स्पर्शांची आठवण करून देतिये

आता असणार फक्त थंडी
आणि अस्तित्वहीन बर्फाचा पसारा