You and I

What happens when you know that you are an exception. That your life is going to be different than others how hard you try. You try to act normal, you try to be very common, typical like everybody else. But it is not for you.
What happens when you know that there are no good things for you in the future, that you have to live your life with others questioning you, crying over you, cursing you. Questioning your being there, how would it feel? Your each action in the past would be analyzed, your every breath will be scrutinized, that each movement of your breast will be frowned upon.
What happens when you know that all of these people whom you call your relatives, friends.. family are going to be hating, questioning and for sure far away from you. That no one is going to be around you.
That you are going to be alone, remembering past, thinking what if it has not gone so weird? What if you were normal, that your every action was basically a truth that you are what you are and not a lie. That each of your thought was your true thought and had no shadow over it. That even when you lie you were being true to yourself. That every decision you took was true, that you were faking. That every breath you took was of freedom, freedom of your identity, such that even when you are not known to other people, they know you: what you are, how do you feel, that they accept about what you feel, that you are not undefined.
What it feels like when first thought comes to you when you wake up is that ohh it is still there, you are not right. That you are not going to be right forever and you can not help it. You think that the killers, criminals all of them when they commit any crime, they are there, their identity is there. They've experience what is life, that they have future and they don't expect void.
What happens when you can not even term yourself as I and you term it as you?

रंगत चढलेली पाने
मग ढलू लागतात
आणि डवार्लेल्या झाडांची
हाडे दिसू लागतात

दिसतात मग
ओस घरटी पक्षांची
आणि वसंतातिल पोली मधसरली

प्रत्येक सकाल आता अंधारी होतिए
आणि सुटलेल्या स्पर्शांची आठवण करून देतिये

आता असणार फक्त थंडी
आणि अस्तित्वहीन बर्फाचा पसारा

Aathavada

10:30
चायाला सकाळी सकाळी उठून इथे एकटा बसायचा म्हणजे bore होता जाम
सध्या तरी करायला काम नाहीये , पण client side म्हणून पंगा नको
म्हणून कुठल्या साईट पण उघडता येत नाहीत ... exchange server उघडा ,
gmail उघडा आणि reply करा (काही mails असतील तर )॥ आज तर exchange server
च open होत नाहीये .. बसा झक मारत .. पण मारायला माश्या पण नाहीये त..
बोम्बला तिच्यैला ... bore होत आहे मरणाचा ... चला चहा घेउन येतो ...
ह्म्म्म्म्म्म्म्म्म्म्म्
bore झालय आणि झोप येत आहे .. कशाला 1 पर्यंत picture बघत बसलो ...
जाऊ देत
12:30
वाट बघतोय .. बघू आता काय होते.. webservice and all का ?
2:30
आता हा मानुस कधी येणार आहे कोण जाने ? मी काय करतोय मला काही कळत नाहीये ...
इतकी झोप येत आहे , तरी coffee घेतली आहे ...
5:00
जाली पण web service.. एवढ्या लवकर होइल असा वाटला नव्हता .. चला आता जायची
वाट बघायची
9:45
Same new day has come.... आज coffee घेतली .. बघू आजचा दिवस कसा जातोय ..
घरी जाऊं laptop वर tp करण्यापेक्षा लोकांना call केले पाहिजेत .. contact मधे राहिला
पाहिजे
11:18
nothing interesting असाच आपला काही तरी .. प्रत्येक mail तकली किंवा नाही तकली की
भीती वाटते .. आता हा escalation करेल की काय ... अजुन कसा reply नाही आला
काही problem झाला की काय ?... असा वाटत राहता
11.48
चला 1 ला बाहेर जय ला मिलनार .. कोणाशी बो ला यचा नाही .. ही काय शिक्षा आहे
तसाही काय बोलणार म्हणा ..
2.02
4 हौर्स more.. माज्या शेजारचे लोक बोलायला लागले की मला कसा तरीच होत ..
म्हणजे kind of jealous... किंवा unsafe काहीतरी .. असा वाटता आपण पण बोलायला पाहिजे
2:18
चायाला केला घोल .. बघू आता काय होते ..
भारी पने घोल निस्तार्ला जो घोल वाटत होता तेच बरोबर होत ..
हुर्र्र्र्र्र्र्र्र्र्र्र्य्य्य्य्य्य्य्य्य्य्य् आता फक्त 3 तास
2:39
चला issue वगरे resolve जाला .. आता tp नेक्स्ट काम येई पर्यंत ...
आज की सिख : जर मनापासून वाटत असेल तर खुशाल apologize करावा ..
फायदाच होतो .. जास्त अहंकार कशाला बालगा ... (म्हणा समोरचा मानुस पण तसाच हवा )

10:35:
frustrating आहे एवढे mood changes... रोज सकाळी येउन आपला नविन काहीतरी ..
असा वाटता कन्त्ताला आला .. शेजारचे बोलायला लागले की असा वाटता आपल्याला असा त्य्नाच्या
common topic वर बोलताच येणार नाही .. spring break and all .. काय करणार आहेत ..
त्यांची भाषा ,attitude... सग्लाच अंगावर येता ...
आज एक नविन intern join जाली .. सगळी कड़े मोठ्या आवाजात intro देना चालू होत ..
टी पण हसून नीट उत्तर देत होती .. आपल्याला कधी जमेल असा वाटता ..
आपण फक्त माफक हसून .. फक्त विचारलेल्या प्रश्नांना उत्तर देतो ..
आपण बरा की आपला काम बरा .. आणि परत त्यात ही गाधव पाना .. आता लीडर नि
काय req सांगितल्या आहेत ते लक्षात नको का ठेवायला ॥ tari बरा security च काय
अमका काय मीच विचारला होत ... त्यावेलेला लक्षात नाही राहिला आणि राहून गेला
आणि वर त्यानी mail कारून विचारल्या वर as discussed केला नाहीये असा सांगुन मोकले ..
म्हणजे तो उडालाच असेल .. की याचा डोका ठिकाणावर आहे ना ?.. नंतर लगेच change कारून
apology चा mail पाठवला ते ठीक आहे .. पण घालायचा तो गोंधळ घातला च ..
मला या लोकांशी conversation कसा strike करायचा तेच काळात नहीं ..
आधीच आपण smart नहीं त्यात इथे बोलायचा म्हणजे अजुन पंचायत ...
PS: Ti intern आहे का admin आहे कोण जाने ?
1:05
अजुन 5 तास .......................
2:03
अजुन 4 तास ........................
3:07
अजुन 3 तास .......................
4:00
गेल्या 2 तसत मी 5 शब्दा बोललो ... आयुष्यात जाला नसेल असा कधी ..

Aadhi Beej ekale

आधी बीज एकले ... आधी बीज एकले ..डोक्यात या ओळी येत आहेत ॥ तुकाराम बुवा तल्लीन होउन गात आहेत ॥ डोळ्या समोर संत तुकाराम चित्रपट येतो ॥ मग देहु येता ..आणि मग गावची पालखी आठवते ॥ ते वातावरण समोर उभा राहत.... पाउस पडून गेल्या मुले सगळीकड़े हिरवा झाला आहे , नुक्ताच पाउस पडून गेला आहे खाली चांगला चिखल झाला आहे .. टाळ आणि मृदुन्गाचे आवाज कधीचे येत आहेत आजू बाजूला जाम गर्दी आहे .. वाराकरयांचे पांढरे कपडे , रंगित साड्या .. पिताली वृंदावना .. सगळा एकच म्हणून दिसते ॥ पालखी अजुन आलेली नाहीये ..आणि मी वाट बघतोय पालखीची ..आणि हे सगळा इथे आठवत आहे .. इथे ऑफिस मधे .. समोर लैपटॉप आहे साइड ला coffee चे कप पडले आहेत .. आजू- बाजूला एकदम शांतता .. इतकी की अगदी तुमच्या पोटातल्या प्रत्येक हालचालीचा आवाज घुम्तोय की काय असा वाटावा .. शेजारी पाजारी.. गोरी लोक बसली आहेत (दिसत कोणी नाही , पण आहेत बहुतेक )आणि आपल्या डोक्यात तुकाराम बुवा ॥ इतका वेगला , विरुद्ध कुठेच काही सम्बन्ध नाही कुठे होतो आपण आणि आत्ता कुठे आहोत असा विचार येतो ... आणि नंतर एकदम चमकता ॥ नंतर कुठे असू कोण जाणे?

Unaccustomed earth

i don't know .. but i can't speak well.. is it the language problem..
as i think now i never had full fledge conversations in english before..
for technical stuff i am okay.. but for day today activities or when have to
things clear when you want to get the expectations or set the expectations it
gets difficult for me.. i stumble for words.. i manage it.. but to me seems
it is rather stream of different words than a sentence...
I don't know how to improve upon this problem... i watch english movies, sitcoms
all the time.. but with whom can i practice now? only solutions it seems is to
have conversations with people here as long as possible..
but then there is other problem.. i face this in marathi also.. i am not
good at conversations.. small talks... i feel very uncomfortable while talking
with anybody.. my default state is remain silent.. silent and listen..
i try to use same old words again and again... but deep down i know what the problem
is ...

Only human beings can talk.. can express themselves through talking then why?
why? .. i don't know why.. maybe i haven't really mixed with people... never
in my town .. because elite state of family.. and in elite i mean that
we speak very good marathi (puneri marathi.) Culture of our family is more
fine than the others around in town ( we think subconsciously).. because
all of our relatives are in city.. so city touch and all. People in town
also think differently about us because of above reasons also and because of
our skin colors.. i always feel alien anywhere i go... no place is mine to claim

Every where it is unaccustomed earth...

Old Habits are hard to get rid off

A new start.. New day has come... this never happened in my life before. I am leaving my family, my home, my friends all of them behind.. for long time and I don't know yet whether I am going back or not... it is going to be my decision Leaving behind the known lifestyle, known places, known faces.. it is new to me. I left my home before for college.. but it was near.. and not major lifestyle change..or if it was, I didn't notice it. it was frightening to think.. that tomorrow when I wake up I am not going to see the known.. it is going to be something different..for long time Leaving like this always makes me nervous.. nervous as in I have anxiety attacks and all that stuff... but this time I managed it well... that's what i think.. Now about new life.. it is exciting.... I’ll be staying with friends, cooking meals so will be experimenting a lot... new country.. new customs... before travelling hear you could never imagine the different customs.. as in we always here about different customs..but when you actually experience it you get to know them.. and it is not easy to change your old habits!! Let us see what happens next!! All the best to me!!!

Sunday Morning

It is Sunday morning..... nothing happened on Saturday... rather I did nothing as usual.... I just sat with anticipation... that someone would call.... something will happen... written a blog.. went through some other blogs.... felt insignificant.. but then I know it is not the blogs... or anything else... it is me....
What is missing? that will complete it all.... my heart aches and my breath becomes heavy... as if it is not enough.... there is headache and my eyes are burning.... my nose is choking...... I know what is this all!!!!

Maharashtra: What is it now? Marathi manoos... from where I stand, it is bunch of depressed lot.. with some over enthusiastic guys crying out loud... I know that nothing is going to happen... unless we change ourselves.... no electricity, suicides of farmers, students...., people ignorant of the present condition... enjoying drinking, worst kind of politics. If you go anywhere in Maharashtra, what will you see? Flex boards with hideous photos... (truly frustrating... they even have photos of children wishing politicians on thier birthdays... ) , bars... shops selling cds.. bunch rowdy guys on with their bikes.. with mobiles... and marvaris, gujraties in shops..... The other lot.. white collar lot like me.. they know all this.. but are not interested in doing anything... they are not eagar at what they are doing... so obviously at bottom place in compitition.... other lot more sofisticated are leaving country... and trying to satisfy themselves by singing Ne majasi ne on foreign countries... it is meaningless.....

Let us what happens...

Dexter... Post apocalypse world...

I've started watching a serial Dexter..... the serial is about serial killer ..... who kills other serial killers... right from starting it catches your attention. It's starting sequence is very .. i won't say beautiful.... it gives you feeling what is inside....
but what i really caught my attention are the monologues of Dexter... I know what he means...
that you feel all alone and you can not be yourself in front of anybody... not to your closest people also....

i like to pretend i am alone completely alone may be post apocalypse or plague....
whatever no one left to act normal for......... no need to hide who i really am ... it would be freeing.....

will have to check who dialogue writer is.....